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Weekly Marriage Blog

Deeper Conversations

By Dr. David Clarke, Ph.D

The Big Idea

Emotional intimacy is progressive, with a gradual deepening over the course of a week. 

The Teaching

You have decided to follow my advice(more people should do that)and schedule four 30 minute Couple Talk Times each week.  These private, just the two of you, no distractions allowed Talk Times give you the opportunity to develop deeper conversations.   

Deeper conversations occur when the two of you talk about the same topic four separate times.  So, let's say at your first Talk Time on Monday evening, you discuss a movie you both saw the day before.  The woman shares at some length(that's the gracious way of putting it), with the man listening and giving a brief reaction.  For most couples, that would be the last time they discuss the movie.  The conversation remains superficial and the topic dies.  They move on to other topics and follow the same conversational path:  the woman brings up a topic and shares about it, the man has little to no reaction, and it dies.  

But, you two don't do that.  You agree to think about the movie and do some processing before your next Talk Time, which is the next evening(Tuesday).  The man especially needs this time to process and come up with some reactions and thoughts about the movie and what the woman said about it.  On Tuesday, you have a second conversation about the movie and you get deeper.  "I thought about this, I thought about that, the movie reminds me of when you and I took that Ferry ride on our honeymoon, the main character's best friend is just like my Uncle Rick. . . "  

Are you done talking about the movie?  No, you are not.  You do more processing and thinking about the movie and you talk about it again at your next Couple Talk Time on Thursday evening.  You get even deeper.  You talk about the movie again at your final Talk Time on Friday evening.  By Friday, the conversation about the movie has gotten much deeper.  You have talked about personal, intimate things that you never would have talked about in just one conversation about the movie. 

As you see, you have to be intentional about communication to get deeper.  Honey, We Need to Talk-my book on communication-will guide you both to deeper conversations.  

My Honey book is also ideal for couples who are engaged.  You can learn how to communicate on a deeper level before you get married.  It can also be very helpful to couples who are living together-go through it together and you will able to decide to break up or get  married.  

Next week, more on communication.   

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